Why is it so hard for me?

[Chaska Daye]

I recently lost my father. I thought I was doing good, because my philosophy has always been that it's much better on the other side and that death was beautiful, so I truly don't understand why I am still have anxiety over him dying. There was a bit more to it, we pulled the plugs (he did ask us too) after an 8th month battle for his life. I had never been in a room when someone died, much less laying across their stomach, listening for the last breath, tears strolling and all I could hear was myself screaming inside for him not to worry about us.
I did well for about two weeks, heck, I thought I had truly been doing well for what happened. Then all the sudden, it happened. I began an anxiety filled life that has gone on for over seven months now. So bad they affect me physically. I don't know what it is about any of it that is bothering me, nor do I know why I feel so bad. All I do know, is that I don't want to live like this forever and I pray daily that God heals what has caused these awful feelings.
I just wanted to share my story and why I chose to join this group.

[Rev. Betty D Perryman PhD.]

Dear Chaska:
My sandels have traveled your path. I embrace your spirit during this confusing time. I lost Dad in 2005 ( long terminal illness) and panicked when he quietly slipped away. I lost my children in an auto crash May 10, 1984 they were 8/4 With the girls it was survivors guilt that was the source of my anxiety. With my Dad my stablebility was shattered, my rock, my all knowing authority was gone. My champion of my very exsistance lost to me. I felt abandon and helpless. I was at times angry. In my most private moments I faced my mortality and was horrified at the thought of my own death and some times I was so greatfull to still be alive and then the shame would consume me. My emotions would ping and pong for months on end. It is a heartbreaking journey that unfortunately we must make ourselves. Want you be my friend and allow me to walk along side of you as you make that walk.
With kindest regards, I am your servant
Betty

[Chaska Daye]

Dearest Betty,
Thank you so much for sharing your own story with me. As I read your feelings about your father and how it made you feel in so many different ways, I cry because it's like reading a page out of my own diary. I have worked myself into a frenzy of a physical being. I'm shaky, nervous, sometimes feel like I'm going to die, scared that I am going to die, and mad at myself for allowing it to get this bad. I am the youngest of 4 girls and we all had different relationships with him, but I'm almost jealous that I'm the only one feeling this way and having to live with fear and agony on a daily basis. I started to take medicine to help, but even that doesn't seem to help any more, besides I don't want to continue them or need them. I don't understand what is wrong with me. One of the hardest things for me is that I moved here to Houston to be close to my father just months before he got ill. While he was in the hospital, my step mother passed away. My oldest sister had moved out a few months later, due to a divorce. After my father passed, she went back to Dallas, where we are both from, and I am here, alone, and I don't know anyone, which makes it even harder for me. If you have any suggestions at all, I am so open to anything that might help lessen the fear of having to live like this forever.
My heart goes out to you for what you lost, I'm not a mother, but do know that my own mother was lost so bad when my oldest brother died at 13. I couldn't imagine what that would feel like.
I appreciate you kind words, I needed this.....I don't know where else to turn.
God bless.
Chaska

[Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD]

Hi Chaska: You are not alone. You forgot that, although, you intellectually believed that 'it's much better on the other side and that death was beautiful, you are a spiritual being having a human experience. In that regard your ego needs to process the experience. We can often hold everything together, until the reality shoe hits the floor. Then, we go through all the stages of loss and mourning. You need to allow your ego to mourn as you need to mourn. You didn't say how old you are or how old your father was. Age has a lot to do with the grieving process too.

Unbeknownst to you, you might have some unfinished business with your Dad. You can connect with him when you are ready to look at the possible unfinished business and finish it once-and-for-all. We all come into this life with those whom we have unfinished business. It is the karma playing out.

Give yourself time--to process the loss. It takes at least one year for the awareness that 'he is really' gone to settle in. Then you will notice the time between missing him is lengthening.

Give yourself lots of nurturing. Soothe yourself with kind words of encouragement, support and self-love, rather than wondering,
'What is wrong with me?'

Best Regards,
Dorothy

[Chaska Daye]

Thank you Dorothy. I'm not sure how to nurture myself, honestly, I try to tell myself that it is okay to be sad, but just when I feel the need for an outburst, seems something always stops me, embarrassment, shame or even someone asking me how my anxiety is. I am 36 years old, and yes, I know that seems old enough to handle losing your father, but I've always been the young at heart one, the small one, and daddy's little girl.......I feel like a lost little child. My dad was 2 days past his 65 birthday when he passed. I'm giving myself some time to heal, but I truly didn't believe, EVER, that it would affect me in a physical sense.....I was told it could be post traumatic because of not being able to think about it without it feeling so real like it happened just yesterday.

I appreciate all your kind words and I am taking everything any of you have to say to heart, because I know not what else to do.

Thank you so much.
Chaska

[Sam Oliver]

Chaska Daye,
I cannot say anything to make your pain go away, but I do know that your pain will deepen your soul. This pathway into your pain will connect you to the heart of your Dad on a journal not made with human hands. Insodoing, you will find a relationship with Dad in a place where only souls can meet.
Sam Oliver

[Chaska Daye]

Thank you Sam. I pray for the days I'll feel better, I know my Dad is better already. He was so ill and I know in the deepest of my soul that we did the right thing by doing what he wanted, in doing so I though it would make the pain easier, I kept hearing about how "your going to feel such relief when it happens, so don't feel guilty when you do", well I never did feel any relief....I guess when they said that he might live when we took him off the machine, I must have believed it, because it was a shock to me that he left so suddenly right after they removed things.....Gosh that was a hard day, I hope he isn't ashamed of my anxiety and I hope he knows that I don't cry because I feel sorry for myself, I cry because I can't get that day to go away as such a fresh memory. Does any of this make any sense at all? See how lost I am? LOL

But thank you for thinking of me, I have had more comfort from this site in two days than I have in the last seven months. Thank you all so very much, from the bottom of my heart.

God bless you.
Chaska

[suzanna michell lee]

Hi Chaska. I'm not used to posting replys to such serious and personal issues. My father has not died, and am so grateful. We have had a hard relationship and sometimes do not get along, I've even been angry at him for making me fear his death every day of my life since I was a little girl due to his being a hypochondriac about having a heart attack...darn thing is healthier than mine! I have a murmur that hurts for real. I don't mean to dump, sorry, I do know that if and when my father dies I will not be okay for a long time. Perhaps being here is preparing me. He is 72 and seems frail with high blood pressure.

I strongly relate to what Rev. Betty wrote because I died in a car accident and couldn't say I've had a better, more glorious experience my whole life except flashbacks of dying (not so nice) and being near to God (wonderful). It's taken me years to accept the strange paradox of my soul loving the transition of death (the freedom) and my ego being dreadfully traumatic about it.

I continue to take care of myself by finding ways to resolve the issue, loss of me and life as I knew it, and separation from God, and not enjoying being human, or least not the stupid human stuff I should know better than to experience but do anyway. Make sense? I have done emotional release with bodywork, rebirthing, Breathwork (too dangerous), hypnotherapy was nice, Lightwork and consciousness raising exercises, but for me the most potent and affective transformational experiences I continue regularly to this day are Family Constellation Work, and, connecting with a spiritual path that offers prayers of consolation to deceased ancestors to help them in the spiritual world to be free from suffering and cut karma (a buddist practice called Shinnyo-en). In Family Constellations we see relatives want nothing more from us or for us than to be happy and live well. This is what makes them happy and helps to free them. Never does a relative or ancestor judge or ask you to carry a burden for them. Always, they love. Behind any "issue" living or dead is Love.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I do know that looking for ways to resolve your emotional/spiritual tension will relieve anxiety. Even if it's just yoga with the spiritual teachings not just the exercise fad.

Blessings, Suzanna

[Jeni Huffman]

Dear Suzanna,
I really enjoyed reading your comments. You seem to have a very interesting view of things. I understand that people with near-death experiences have trouble relating to our world after the experience and I commend your efforts in trying to relate to this world when all you want is to go back to that place of total love and peace. God must really need you here, though. I understand that the experience is a very private one for you, but I was wandering if you might be able to help me out....I work at Hospice and I seem to always find myself with people that come to me for answers that I don't have. For some reason, patients ask me questions like, "when and how will I die? What lies on the other side? They tell me they are so afraid. I was wondering if there was anything about your experience that you could share with me that might help me to put them at peace so they would feel free to go.
God bless,
Sincerely,
jeni

[Elaine Harder]

When my father died (terrible, painful mouth and throat cancer which could not be treated) he was alone in a VA Hospital 200 miles from where I live. I saw him on Sunday and he died on Thursday. I cried spontaneously for a year before I began to have acceptance. My husband died of cancer 8/14/06, so almost two years and I cry almost every day. I don't think there is any rhyme or reason to have each of us grieves. I too felt for Larry's last heartbeat even though he was not breathing. He died here at home. My anxiety level, which has been pretty darn high since my heart valve replacement in January 2002, went thru the roof. Panic attacks would take me to the ER. I have tried so many drugs I don't even remember all their names! I see a a psychologist, who I started seeing before Larry became ill, Thank you God, and am still taking drugs. What I do know from my own experience is that it is helpful to share your story with others to know you are not crazy or alone. Groups work. It does not mean there will be no pain but there is support to work thru it. And I have learned that this too shall pass; sometimes only a moment at at time is all I can hope for, but it will. The sun will come up for another day and perhaps a good one. I have learned of Gods graceful moments. The Twelve Step programs say one day at a time and often that is what I do. I am trying to figure out how to spend all these empty days so I try to stay busy to keep out of depression and despair as much as possible. My psychologist is a great help. You are not alone.

[Chaska Daye]

It is so good to know that there are so many more people that have experienced these same affects from a passing of a loved one, not that I want people to hurt, but it does make me feel better knowing I'm not "crazy". I've also had to go to the ER because of my attacks, most days I think my heart is going to pound out of my chest and because people in anxiety create labored breaths, it also doesn't help. But day to day, it is going to get better, heck it's only been seven months, I should allow myself more time without becoming angry at my own emotions. Thank you all for sharing.

[erika jarkovics]

jes I,too suffered anxiety after my Mother died and 3months later my Son that i havent seen for jears because of his wifes controlling ways. It was a great shock for me as he died accidently in the house after they seperated. He also had MS for 10jears or more. I was put on anxietydrugs and been on them for 2 jears now. I must say they helped me alot. I would advise jou to stay on the tabletts for whatever time jou need them.

[Elaine Williams]

Sometimes in grief we're afraid we're crazy, but it's just grieving, and it's each individual's journey. There's no right or wrong way to do it. We just get through as best we can and eventually we feel like we've come out on the other side. elaine