Why is it so hard for me?

[Chaska Daye]

I recently lost my father. I thought I was doing good, because my philosophy has always been that it's much better on the other side and that death was beautiful, so I truly don't understand why I am still have anxiety over him dying. There was a bit more to it, we pulled the plugs (he did ask us too) after an 8th month battle for his life. I had never been in a room when someone died, much less laying across their stomach, listening for the last breath, tears strolling and all I could hear was myself screaming inside for him not to worry about us.
I did well for about two weeks, heck, I thought I had truly been doing well for what happened. Then all the sudden, it happened. I began an anxiety filled life that has gone on for over seven months now. So bad they affect me physically. I don't know what it is about any of it that is bothering me, nor do I know why I feel so bad. All I do know, is that I don't want to live like this forever and I pray daily that God heals what has caused these awful feelings.
I just wanted to share my story and why I chose to join this group.

[Tonya Jones]

Amen Elaine, grief is a natural response to pain and hurt. We go through and each of our experiences is different but the emotion grief is common. We go through something. God is good and worthy to be praised for even in grief he is able to comfort us in such a way that we can go through the process and gain something we did not possess before. Every step of grief somehow brings us that much closer to the Lord for it is in him that we are able to go through.

God Bless
Tonya
www.godswordspoken.com
Home of the Daily Word of Encouragement

[Rev. Betty D Perryman PhD.]

Dear Chaska, it doset matter that it is 7 mos or 7 yrs. you feel what you feel. I have good days I have great day's and then I turn around need my Dad to bounce something off him or I see someone who reminds me of him or like today I realized it will be 3yrs this month and I am a basket case. The tears come uncontrollably. My sadness is magnified. I get sacared of my own mortality then ashamed of my selfishness. Then the intense lonleiness sets in and the reality of the long enduring wait it will be with out him as my Father, My friend, my confidant, My sometimes child when Mom would scold him, my buddy, My Giant, My Hero, My Daddy. God how I miss him and you know it's okay. It's okay to miss him. Missing him keeps him fresh and near to my heart a place no-one is but him. My best to you dear Chaska my dearest friend in Grief. Betty

[Sarah]

Gosh... you lived it! you voice my own pain in your words. Tears are streaming down my face just reading your insite. I want to share with you the words someone told me that painted the pain the best for me: A piece of your heart has been ripped out and will never be replaced. The pain is natural. Allow yourself to grieve. Sarah

[Chaska Daye]

Thank you for your words. I see we have somewhat of a same story. It's not even a year, but I am doing better. Some days better than others, although I realize a heightened sense of sadness when I hear anything about a father and his daughter. I'm still having physical side affects from anxiety, but I do now know I NEED to grieve. I love this site, has made it easier with all the kind words and support. God bless you in your own journey through healing, I know deep inside, that we will learn something from all this and will be able to share and hopefully help someone else in the future.
Much soulful love,
Chaska

[Jeni Huffman]

Dear Chaska,
I am here to let you know that you don't have to let these feelings rule your life forever. I am glad to hear that you are looking to God for your comfort. God is the key. What I have learned about "feelings" is that, through the help and power of God, we can over come feelings. We do not have to let our feelings have the upper hand in our daily life. God want us to be happy and enjoy our lives....not be subject to the negative that can control the way we look at our circumstances. I believe that if your father knew God, then he is in heaven with Him and is rejoycing in the fact that he has eternal life with Him. Because of this, you will see your father again. That is something you need to remind yourself of every day and rejoice that you will be together again. This life is so short compaired to eternity. As for dealing with your feelings about your loss, I know you are hurting and you miss him very much...please know that I am not minimizing your pain. But God wants you to find joy in and peace in your life. It is not His will that you be miserable. I believe that just as there is good in this world, that there is evil. You see, the evil wants you to be miserable. This is where you "feelings" come into play. The devil is the ultimate liar! He wants to steal your joy and to be sad every day. That way, he can prove his point about God. He wants you to have a negative attitude about everything. He does this by getting into your thoughts and promoting you to think only about the saddness and how crummy you feel. His goal is for you to focus on "feelings and to let your life be ruled by them. The truth of the matter is, that reacting to our negative feelings is a choice. With a deeper relationship with God, you will find that He can and will help you to overcome your feelings of grief. God always has the ultimate power of the evil in this world and in your own life. You need to remember that and know that He has not, and will not leave you....ever!! God wants you to bring joy back into your life. That is what salvation is all about. Christ didn't die on the cross for us to spend our lives being miserable! My guess is that your father is looking down on you and wishing you could see just how happy he is.....and he wants that happiness for you too. He wants you to find your joy again. The only way is through a deeper relationship with God. when you earnestly seek Him out in your life, you will find Him waiting there to hold you up through the tough times. People are great, but don't have the power to heal your heart. I am hear to tell you that God does! Please go to :joycemeryer.com. You will find a wealth of recources that will help you to learn, like I did, that there is and easier way to deal with life's poison arrows through the strength and power of a God who wants you to enjoy your life. Hope this is helpful to you. Know that I am praying for you and I am here for you too.
Love in Christ,
Jeni

[Chaska Daye]

Dear Jeni,
Thank you for your encouraging words. I really appreciate the time you put in to writing such a nice response. Funny thing, you said to go to joycemeryer.com and my father watched her everyday. Yes, he did and does know the Lord, and yes I do as well. I know we will meet again, for I have been there myself. I, also like Suzanna, had a death experience when I was 19. I know the beauty there. I sometimes wonder what my own fears are about, since I know my father is happy and that he wants me to be happy too. It is strange how something can change your feelings, even though you saw it in a different light your whole life. I know in time I will be healed.....because if I do have good days, and I know God brings them to me, because I never lose faith. God bless you and yours.
Chaska

[Jeni Huffman]

You gatta love Joyce! She is so real. I am so glad to know you are hanging in there. Tell me about your death experience. I would love to hear about it.

[Rev. Betty D Perryman PhD.]

Hello Chaska,
First know sweetheart you are not alone in your Grief. But it has been said that the greatest grief is yours, and the grief you are experiencing right now. It is tough being away from your family and isolated. This network is a life-line but dear Chaska
you need something more personal at this time. You sound so sad and depressed.
My heart breaks for you.You need to hear words of comfort and a gentle touch to sooth and comfort you. My suggestion is move home and if that is not possible at this time. Get a roommate, join a support group stay involved even if you feel like crawling inside yourself and never coming out. For me I wanted to be sad I felt I must grieve. To be a good daughter and a good mother one must be consumed by grief. But slowly I come to realize that Grief is not for the dying or dead Grief is for the living. It is the death of our comfortable everyday life that we mourn. It is that forced change we fear.
When will death return. When will it strike again? Who will it strike next?
To vent in a positive manner I invested in a duffel-bag filled with sawdust and kicked the living daylights out of it on a daily basis. I rented a post office box and wrote my Dad letters everyday. Then after a year or so I took them to the American Legion to his friends and they had a wake for him taking turns remembring their old friend through the letters I had written. Needless to say they begain to check on me and just stop by to say hello to the family. Honestly it is true that friends sometimes stay away for fear they will upset the family. So just reaching out to them is a big step in bridging that gap. Do you have a pet? Having someone or something depend on you will make a great difference. Check in with someone everyday, be accountable so they will know to suspect you may be falling too deeply into depression. If you think you are, please get help. Go to support groups, Spiritual counseling, mental health, your Dr. or go to the ER. I hope this has helped in some small way. Your Friend in Grief Betty

[Elle Jordan]

I lost my father quite awhile ago and a day doesn't pass that I don't think of him. I was the typical Daddy's girl and as long as he was alive I felt protected and safe, even when he slipped into a coma. He had had a stroke and because there were no rehabilitation facilities where he lived, he had to go into a nursing home which was the worst day I can remember. I went to see him when I could and when I was back home for vacations, I saw him everyday. My mother and I were with him when he died. It was very peaceful. My father was a big man and former pro football player at 6'4", he had dwindled away to nothing. He had no quality of life. What I am about to tell you sounds bizzarre but this really happened. I had no time to grieve because 2 days after his funeral, my mother had a heart attack and had a triple bypass. I was there for her. No one really expected her to come through that because my parents were so close and with Dad gone, she would be living alone. I went to see them for a week and 8 weeks later, I got home. I still had shed no tears. One night, I had what I thought was a dream where my Dad was outside my bedroom door in a little hall and I was talking to him. I remember asking him how he was and his reply was everything is just fine. I asked if I could touch him because I thought my hand would just go through air. To my surprise, I felt his touch, his hand as 'tho he was still alive. I don't remember how he left me that night but in the next few days, I began to cry and cry and a great sense of healing came over me. I always knew he was in a better place and he wasn't suffering anymore but that day, I was filled with a strength that I had missed with his passing. Several month later at a party, I was introduced to a woman who I had never seen before. She began to talk about my out of body experience, she talked about my father, his illness and his passing. She didn't know him or me and the things she said were astounding. I still consider that appearance a gift from God, a special grace maybe to start the healing process. My mother died not that long ago and I am comforted by the fact that she is with my father and they are suffering no more. When I am disturbed by something, I pray to the Holy Spirit for comfort. I will remember you in my prayers and I hope the Lord will grant you peace. I have a deep and abiding faith in the Lord and that sustains me in all things.

[Tonya Jones]

God bless Chaska! Truly God is able and willing to heal, set-free, and deliver us from all that we face. The word of the Lord in Philippians 4:6 reminds us to "Be careful for nothing". we are not to worry or become anxious about anything for God is able to supply all our need. My husband went home to be with the Lord December 2006. He fought for almost three months. He suffered from a heart attack in October and the open heart surgery did not go well. I was emotionally drained and that is what the Lord laid on my heart as to share with you. You are going through the emotion upheavel of the sickness, the subsequent care, and then the final end. It is a very emotional time and when it is over, when the funeral is done and the people are gone the time of grief comes upon us. It is a time of release to receive of the Lord and it is also a time for us to let it all go so that we can begin the healing process. I am comforted for God of course supply's all comfort, love, and care. To be absent from the body is to be instantly presence with the Lord. Read about Stephen in Acts 8:55. Stephen understood that to leave this present place was to be present with the Lord. Your father, my husband are living in the most beautiful of places. They are not in pain and are as happy as they ever could have been here on earth this temporal place. Remember it is okay to feel the emotionally side of what happened. What is important is for you to give it to the Lord each day by surrendering all to him. He is able for he alone is Lord!

God Bless
check out my online ministry at: www.godswordspoken.com home of the daily Word of Encouragement.
www.godswordspoken.com
Tonya

[julie thomas]

i understand how you feel. i lost my husband 3 months ago. i am still in the grieving, but i also could and cannot understand why i get anxiety attacks alot now, it is annoying as i do not like having to take the medication. i know my husband is in a better place, but it is still hard to accept. i feel it will get better eventually, it has somewhat since it happened, but i wait for the day i can go with out anxiety. everyone tells me it takes one day at a time. you have to take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal. it is hard, but we will make it. just wanted to share

[Chaska Daye]

I just wanted to stop in and thank EVERYONE for their words of inspiration and the massive amount of LOVE that I am feeling from each and everyone that has responded to my topic. I never knew there were so many people that could care about complete strangers; although we are never strangers in God's eyes.

Just hearing that I am not alone, and knowing that we each grieve differently and within many different time frames, has made losing my father not seem like the end of the world for me.

I've noticed that over the last two weeks, reading the words of others has really helped my anxiety. In fact, I think I only had one attack this whole week. Thank you all so much, I only hope that I can help someone as you all have helped and continue to help me.....and God surely Bless Mr. Sam Oliver for creating and sharing such a wonderful healing site.

God Bless us all during troubling times in our earthly lives!!

Much love,
Chaska