Why is it so hard for me?

[Chaska Daye]

I recently lost my father. I thought I was doing good, because my philosophy has always been that it's much better on the other side and that death was beautiful, so I truly don't understand why I am still have anxiety over him dying. There was a bit more to it, we pulled the plugs (he did ask us too) after an 8th month battle for his life. I had never been in a room when someone died, much less laying across their stomach, listening for the last breath, tears strolling and all I could hear was myself screaming inside for him not to worry about us.
I did well for about two weeks, heck, I thought I had truly been doing well for what happened. Then all the sudden, it happened. I began an anxiety filled life that has gone on for over seven months now. So bad they affect me physically. I don't know what it is about any of it that is bothering me, nor do I know why I feel so bad. All I do know, is that I don't want to live like this forever and I pray daily that God heals what has caused these awful feelings.
I just wanted to share my story and why I chose to join this group.

[Sarah]

Wow... this note of pain was posted on May 8th while my dad was in ICU for just over a week. They gave him morphine on his 82nd birthday and he died two days later on May 22nd. Funny, I cry all over again every time I hear of someone who has undergone the same pain. I am re-living the sympathy I had for other deaths. Do you remember telling people you were sorry for their loss before you had lived through the pain yourself? I have discovered.. the pain is no less if there is a long struggle or if a death occurs unexpectedly. If you never had a relationship with your parent then you grieve THAT... Now, visiting my mom... we cry a lot.. just because... being together.. we are reminded of the good times. Things we say or do bring back Dad and we smile till we realize he isn't coming back so we cry again. Will I get over it? It's been three months. Mom isn't sleeping. I could go on and on... but Let me just be here for whoever needs my understanding.

[Serena Ellis]

Chaska
First, I feel so sorry for your loss. I think its the right path for connect with your dad. I think its also the way of grieving and you are refused with your dad's death. I know its really hard time for children when they lost their parent.
3years ago, My uncle had heart attack and he died. My whole family goes in deep grief after this loss. He was in young age. It was really bad experience in my life. I understand your feelings and situation.
My prayers and condolences for you.
((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

condolence message

[Chaska Daye]

Although I'm still having issues, including anxiety, I have decided to go to his grave this year. I think I might be ready to truly say goodbye...I don't know, it's coming up in October. I had a wonderful dream about him the other night, more like a visit, not a dream of doing anything....this is when I thought that I needed to go see him.
Thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much to hear from others about such a complex mix of emotions.
Blessings.
Chaska

[debby]

Very sorry about your father's death ! I pay my heatiest tributes to him. May god keep him in eternal peace and bless him. Please relax now and see forward for better days sympathy words