The Ways We Grieve

[Sam Oliver]

Have you ever noticed the way people grieve? There seems to be those who grieve from an ego perspective, and those who grieve from an integrative perspective. To some degree, you will notice a little of ego and integrative responses in the process of letting go. We live in a society where being able to become independent is necessary to exist in the world. From the moment we are born, we are observed by the medical society and our parents. We are watched to see how we are developing. It is important that we learn to crawl, to walk, to be potty trained, to learn to speak, and you know the rest.

Each of these developmental stages of growth enables us to live independently in this world. Our ego finds new confidence each step of the way. We begin forget we are brought into this world by a power greater than and selves. And thus, self-centeredness takes such a stronghold within our psyche we are convinced that what we are in more real than anything else. Then, it happens. We experience loss. Something beyond our control reminds us there is a world in us that doesn't match the one outside us. There is more to living in this world than our own needs, wants, and desires. This new identity allows our self-centered ego to relate to a much grandeur world. The movement from the world lives inside us. It is an integrative process.

1. Grieving through the Ego.

This kind of grief is found in these words: "life begins and ends here," "life will never be the same," "my life is over." Although there are elements of truth to these statements, there is a limited worldview attached to them. They are statements people use to express their ego needs no longer being met due to the loss that takes away from them a part of their world.

When I hear the voice of ego grief in a profound way, I realize I am dealing with someone attached to the world of form. The ability to become abstract enough to find hope beyond this world in their relationships is challenged by the death of a loved one. In doing so, the deceased loved one becomes a pathway into the soul of those in ego grief.

2. Grieving through the Integrative process.

You may hear these words in this path to grief: "life is different," "my loved one is in a better place," "I will be O.K." Do you hear how these statements reflect a sense of knowing their loved one's body is gone, but their spirit will remain in their heart? This type of grieving allows a person to have a sense of knowing. It is a knowing that only the body is dead. The relationship with a deceased loved one remains in place. It may even be such a connection in soul that some feel closer to their loved one than when they were alive in physical form.

To be known as we are truly known is not an afterlife experience. To be fully human and fully divine is one of the best kept secrets we all pretend we are not aware of until the afterlife. There is no afterlife. We came from eternity and to eternity we return. When we let go of the notion that eternity begins at death, we are free to utilize eternal resources to help us live in the here and now.

The instant we realize we live in the world AND the world lives inside of us reveals a sense of awe. The world and our part in it have neither beginning nor an end. This integration from individual awareness to collective awareness carries within it hopes. It is the hope in knowing that all belong to an unending stream of consciousness. As humans, we have predictable stages of development indicating where we are in human maturity.

As we age, our psyche or our soul integrates its being from individual awareness to universal awareness. The journey into eternal awareness allows a sense of hope beyond the sense to withstand grief. Eternal Awareness integrates the self into the Universal knowing that the power which leads us into the world knows how to take us home.

Sam Oliver, author of, "God a Logs on Living and Dying"

[Virginia D'Orazio]

After my 20 year old son was killed by a drunk driver in October of 1998, so many fundamentalist Chrisitians told me how happy I should be because my son was "in a better place", or "with Jesus."

I was also told, "You will see your son again in the after life. Be happy."

Another group of people with agnostic beliefs told me, "It's over. Your son is dead and gone, and that's that!"

None of this helped. I was grieving neither through ego nor the integrative process. I was lost. It didn't help when my husband of 29 years walked out one day and never looked back.

A dear friend experienced the loss of his wife from cancer during this time. In dealing with his grief, he introduced me to writings that followed the integrative process of grieving. I read many philosophies based in Buddism along with many other philosophies that centered on the idea of divinity within, the world and our part in it having neither a beginning nor an end, and the idea of collective awareness.

Finally, something made sense to me. None of these other theories made sense and made grieving even worse before I understood the integrative process.

Before I read "The Ways We Grieve," I feared that this website was pushing the fundmentalist Christian beliefs about life after death and how I should be so thrilled that my son is with the Lord. Reading this posting has made me feel more comfortable about being part of this group.

Thank you Sam.

-Virginia

[Sam Oliver]

Thank You Virginia for your comments. You have a depth of Spirituality that is needed in society today. I, too, have integrated many religions and even studied under a Healer from India for ten years on the healing process techniques. There is much out there.

[Kristeen Dureck]

I agree with you. I have grieved both ways. I think all of us do during the course of our grief. I lost my mother suddenly in November of 2002. I was laid off from my job of December of 2002. My son went to Iraq with the Marine Corps in March of 2003. I lost my first born son to a front end collision in June of 2003. I lost my second born son 14 months later in August of 2004 to a front end collision. The Red Cross brought my son home from Iraq from his second tour for his funeral. I can tell you that ones belief system makes a world of difference in how one grieves. I worked at Ohio State Medical Center in Orthopedic and Surgical trauma during the deaths of my sons. At first...I thought I was going to lose my mind, but then it dawned on my that I was in a unique position to offer solace to those in my care...because I had been there I had suffered some of those traumas myself. I could give back. And as I did, as I talked with families, some of the sting of grief began to abate. Also...it takes time...as much time as it takes to heal. Thank you for the great viewpoint! Kristeen

[April Westbrook]

That was deep. I have never considered ego and intergrative grieving. I just thought grief was grief. How can I get a copy of the book?

[Sarah]

Good point... if an external locus of control is replaced by an internal locus of control during the grieving process, the pain could be used to better the world... be the friend that someone else needs because they are in as much pain as you are from your loss... am I close?
sarah

[Kristeen Dureck]

Yes, you are. Sharing the pain, being able to talk about this with someone who has been there is such a relief. So often I felt like I was alone in my feelings. I questioned if there was anyone else who had suffered so many losses so close together? As I talked, I understood that the pain of grief is so universal that helping another person with theirs eased the pain of mine. I felt that I was doing something productive...actually, "doing something" is the operative statement!

[Serena Ellis]

We have many ways of grieving. I lost my uncle 3years ago and after his death I was grieving many ways. Its really shocked me and I was cried all the time. It was painful tragedy for me. My whole family grieved with this pain. I was also tried grief counseling for grieving to this pain. It was really bad experience for me. I will never forget my uncle. I loved him so much.

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