Sam Oliver
A Grief Experience is Individual and Yet Many Times the Same
At first the loss of my husband was a relief. He had been sick with esophagus cancer for almost 12 months, was in tremendous pain and had wasted away to nothing. I never knew for sure how much weight he lost, but I would estimate close to one hundred and ten pounds.
When he died, he took that last breath, I knew it was best for him, as terrible as his life and lack of quality of life had become. At about six months later it really began to hit me, and my life became a deep, gaping hole of lonely, empty despair. I was afraid to talk about it, to voice my fears, my total numbness. I had three children I needed to keep on an even keel. At times I would cry, or stare blankly, and I thought perhaps this is going crazy, or at least I was losing whatever grip I had on life. This was the beginning of my grief experience.
Now, four years later I can see the tremendous growth I've gone through, allowed myself to move through, and I feel I have come out on the other side, a better, more compassionate person. But I still remember the time in between, the time of incredible loneliness, feeling wounded and hurt to be left alone at what I felt were still the best years of my life. In truth, I don't want to forget those years in between. It made me who I am today.
When he died, he took that last breath, I knew it was best for him, as terrible as his life and lack of quality of life had become. At about six months later it really began to hit me, and my life became a deep, gaping hole of lonely, empty despair. I was afraid to talk about it, to voice my fears, my total numbness. I had three children I needed to keep on an even keel. At times I would cry, or stare blankly, and I thought perhaps this is going crazy, or at least I was losing whatever grip I had on life. This was the beginning of my grief experience.
Now, four years later I can see the tremendous growth I've gone through, allowed myself to move through, and I feel I have come out on the other side, a better, more compassionate person. But I still remember the time in between, the time of incredible loneliness, feeling wounded and hurt to be left alone at what I felt were still the best years of my life. In truth, I don't want to forget those years in between. It made me who I am today.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Sam Oliver on -
Elaine, thanks for sharing this. Much depth and expansiveness comes from grief that creates a sacredness to living. Your memories are a living presence in your heart.
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Permalink Reply by Elaine Williams on
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Beautifully said. elaine
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Permalink Reply by Michael Kitzmüller on
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Dear Elaine,
What you have been through, I am now going through. My five sons: Justin,Jonas,Liam,Ronan and Aidan were murdered on 5th December, 2007 by a person we all thought was someone who a family trusts most..their own mother and my wife. She had been diagnosed with schyzophrenia in 2006, but anyhow I could not seem to take it for true. She was convinced she was a medium, and it could very well be. I do not know what to believe. Just because someone hears voices, does not mean they are mentally ill..if this were the case, then James van Praagh or Allison DuBois should also be mentally ill and many others as well. I found it rather strange, and I did have my doubts, but then she showed me an interview with James van Praagh and then relieved my worries once more. Everything came to a horrible end as she watched how I took care of everything and then she offered me a little break to go visit friends in Berlin. She arranged everything, spoke with them in Berlin and wished me a good time and fun. I told my little Aidan and my Ronan who were standing there that Daddy will go visit Angie in Berlin and only 4 times to sleep and then Daddy will be there again. Little did I realize that underway, she´d given the children sleeping medication and anytime in the middle of the night, put plastic bags over their heads and dear God came to take them sometime in the night. My world came crashing down in the evening on the 5th when the Berliner Criminal Investigations Unit came knocking at the door to deliver the news. I felt the entire day that something was wrong because she´d told me that friends were coming up so I´d not worry that she´d not come along (due to health issues from losing weight to fast) but I´d not gotten anyone on the phone. I really started to worry when my mobile rang and it was the biological father of my two eldest, Justin and Jonas, asking where the wife and everybody was. At home, where else I replied. He was standing in front of the house and there was no one there, not even behind downstairs...she´d pulled the draperies otherwise he´d have seen the children. This horrible woman had already left in the morning to go to the psychiatric clinic and admitted to her crime. and by the time the police came to us in Berlin, my whole life or what it was, was all over the television world wide. I know this feeling of being alone. Only for me, other than friends, I am fully alone. On days when I do not have work, I do go to the friends and neighbours and such, but in the end of the day, there is this horrible feeling of being alone. The years with my children were the best years of my life and I will never forget them, but just as you I will never forget this time now, or what happened.
What things do you do now to keep your spirits up? How long has it been now since your husband´s passing?
God Bless and Friendly Greetings from Germany
Michael Kitzmüller
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Michael, I am truly sorry for this devastating loss you are enduring. My husband passed away four years ago this week. As you know some days it's difficult to put one foot in front of the other, much less try to think about day to day decisions. I am glad you have the support of friends, but for myself I also sought out a counselor so I could fully express my grief, fears and just to talk. For me, talking really helped to release some of the pain and bring in some of the healing. I wish you all the best on your journey. elaine
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Permalink Reply by julie thomas on
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my husband died april 1st of this year. it was not expected, but i guess in a way it was. he had just had his 5th cervical surgery to try to bring a end to his pain he had endured for almost 20 years. my life now feels empty, lonely and very sad. my daughter is grown and there is only myself and my dog. i just wish i could feel whole again
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Permalink Reply by Elaine Williams on
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Hi Julie: I am so sorry for your loss, and death is never expected or dealt with in an easy manner. From my own experience I understand the loss and devastation you feel. One thing I can advise is just take it one day at a time, some days that's all you can do. When death enters our lives, our "normal" is upside down and there is no normal anymore. Just be gentle with yourself. Cry and grieve in your own way and don't put a time line on anything. What really helped me was writing down my feelings, hurts, fears, and talking to those who are supportive, whether it was family, friends or a counselor. Some days all I wanted was to be left alone, other days I craved human contact. I saw a counselor and she just let me talk and talk and talk, and that was so very helpful. I wish you the best. Please email if you like. elaine
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Permalink Reply by Serena Ellis on -
Elaine
I feel so sorry for heard about your loss. Its really terrible loss for you. Sharing our grief with someone is really helpful for relief our pain or grief. I know its so tough time for you. When our love one died, its not easy for us and we can't believe it. I understand your feelings and its difficult to forget by you. But you are trying to move on. You are always in my prayers and thoughts and my condolences for you.
condolence message
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Permalink Reply by debby on
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very sorry about the death of your husband ! May god bless him and keep him in eternal peace. Please relax and see ahead sympathy words
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