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Comment by SAUNDRA KNIGHT on July 29, 2008 at 3:11pm

i just joined this group, will post my story soon too brokn up today, please pray forme.

Comment by sunshi_40 on June 19, 2008 at 2:51pm

Not sure what to put so I'll just put what I wrote in my blog.
Its coming on a year in July since my oldest brother passed away from multiple myeloma. Today 6/18) is his birthday. Its hard to believe thats he's been gone this long already. Its odd in a way, I still have a hard time in a sense believing that he is gone. Don't get me wrong, I know he is but I don't know. Maybe its the fact that he lived so far away for so many years and only saw him once a year during the holidays and for many years didn't see him at all. I'm doing pretty good for the most part. It has taken time but the moments I have are not so often but still have them like today. i know it'll get easier but I know also that there still will be times when I lose it. Its funny how we think of the order of death....yet, it doesn't always work out that way. I can't imagine what its like for my parents. I can't imagine losing my daughter. They say that God doesn't give us more than what we can handle. But I don't know. Its just hard sometimes..I know he's in a better place. His body just couldn't take it any more after all the treatments he had. He was a wonderful brother and an inspiration to me and all who knew him. The one thing that I think of is that he never let on how bad he was. Was such a trooper. I know I wonder if he really knew the full extent of his illness but I guess that really doesn't matter now

Comment by rebalblazer on June 17, 2008 at 11:24pm

I was with a very special man for 4 1/2 years he was
a very special man to me he was my soulmate and my best friend he been gone a year now put it just seams like yesterday for me .He was quadplecgic he was only 57years old he had been like that for 9years I know deep down he is in a better place and much happier.But its still hard for Itake one day at a time re building my life.I just wish i would had one more day with him!

Comment by Leslie on May 26, 2008 at 1:39am

What a journey to this point in my life, never did I imagine that I would be telling all you folks about the loss of my brother this past Easter Sunday morning. Nothing preprares for the death of a sibling, I was complelty unprepared...Pat took his own life, shot himslef through his heart. This man I call my brother was a gentle soul, but one that suffered physical and emotional pain that only he felt he could free hiself from. The first week was a blurr, arranging for his cremation, renting moving vans and packing up his home, I was too busy to really grieve then. The second wek started with the endless bags of mail and information that had to be sorted through while we waited fo his "Death Certificate". when all of the people he had reponsibilites to had been sent copies of his statements, I had written a letter to advise these folks that he had no estate, and sent a copy of the death certificate; I thought that would be it. two weeks after hepassed some woman called from "Estate Services" asking to speak to the family of the "late Patrick Burns". I was angry, angry at the stranger on the phone for being so insesnsative and felt as though they could have waith at least three months after his passing. She was callous and said " well this bill needs to get paid, how will you handle that?" I became livid, and responded with "did you not get a copy of his death certificate, it clearly states he took his own life, must I saw more, than what i told you in the letter/there is no estate?!
My heart aches for the families that must have to go through this from collection comapnies so soon after a loved one is lost...have they no moral compass?
Strangley, since my brother took his lfe, none of the other brothers and sisters are not speaking of him, they were not there to help mepack up his home, nor were they with me when I picked up his remains. It appears that they would avoid any and all effort to put together a memorial for him as well. In my heart I beleive that every lifr form deserves to die and be put to rest with some dignity...does anyone else have a comment or a feeling on what is approprate in a situation like this?
God's Light and Mine,
Leslie

Comment by CC LYDA on May 25, 2008 at 10:29pm

I am a nurse at Folsom Prison right outside of Sacramento, CA. I got the job 1/2/07, I thought this was the best thing that was going to happen to Randy and I, the benefits are great, I have a pension, lots of vacation and sick days and I work with the eye doctor, the best job in the prison, and I am the first LVN hired by the prison, Loving my job, I had had 3 husbands before Randy, all ended in divorce and nasty words and lots of hurt feelings, then I met Randy in 1988, he was only 25 and I was 42 but we got along so great, no more worries about being beat up like with 2 of my husbands, he loved me as much as I loved him which was a lot. We even reaffirmed our vows in 2001, went to Hawaii in 2000, my kids and grandkids were crazy about him, then in 2002 we bought our new house everything we wanted, we got our dog, Booboo, part Australian Shepherd and part Chow, a pain, she ate everything in the house, we paid cash for all the furniture in the house, then Randy had his first heart attack, but he lived and we kept loving our life together, for 5 years we lived and loved and had a good time no matter where we went, then Memorial Day weekend of 2007 we went to Renee's house that Sunday night, played games, had such a good time, and I was so tired I went home and crashed, but at 3:30am Randy woke me up in a panic, he couldn't breathe, he told me to call the ambulance and I knew it was serious but I figured that he was just overreacting, but not 5 minutes after I called them Randy fell on the living room floor, white foamy froth came out of his mouth and he stopped moving and breathing, then the ambulance came in and did CPR on him, I looked him and they had him, pulling him up under his back and he was flopping around like a fish, they took off and I just knew they were going to save him, but when I got to the hospital, the chaplain came out and said he didn't make it, WHAT?? I YELLED, no way, Not my Randy he can't be dead, they have the wrong person, you must be looking for someone else and another Randy, I fell on the floor and started screaming, NOOOOOO, then I went into his room and he had a tube in his mouth and was cold and all I could do was rub his chest and think of how many times I had laid my head on that chest and stroked that fine hair and had so much love in my heart that it swoll over with love, but he wasn't breathing, and all I could do was cry, I called my sister and my daughter and my son and my whole family came to the hospital, the hardest thing was calling my granddaughter, she was his girl, they shared secrets and had so much fun together and when I told her that her grandpa was dead I thought my heart would totally break in half and it did and it hasn't healed yet, That was one year ago this Wednesday, and I feel like the entire past year has been one long nightmare that I will eventually wake up from, but will I?

Comment by Care 2 on May 20, 2008 at 2:55pm

Hi Amber -

I just read your story. My sympathy goes out to you. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why things go wrong. That's how I feel.

I do think that you and your husband did a great job of looking out for your baby's best interest every step of the way. I'm really sorry for your loss. Payton was lucky to have great parents and you are lucky to have great friends. I hope you are all sticking together in the wake of Payton's passing.

You, your husband and your friends never saw this coming. It's not something that could have been predicted. Everything was in place to look after your baby the right way.

I hope you, your husband and friends remember the good times you had with Payton every day. Her life was a gift to all of you. I'm glad you are taking the time to mourn. It's so necessary. Just know that things will get better with time. You will always have a special place in your heart for Payton. I'm sure she could feel that bond with her parents also.

You really looked out for her best interest in the end. Though it can not be easy to let go of your child, I believe you let Payton know how much you cared about her with how you handled her situation. When you let go of her physically, you freed her of her burden. Now you can think of each other peacefully.

I think you and your husband did a beautiful thing by helping Payton pass on to a better place. Someday you will join her and talk about it. I'm sure she will say "thank you for doing all you could for me. It's good to see you again".

Take care.

Comment by Amber Kelly on May 20, 2008 at 12:40am

Im new here so I am not sure what I am suppose to do. so i guess i will start by sharing my story.

On Feb. 8, 2008 around 8 PM, my husband Emmett feed Payton, burped him, swaddled him and laid him down on the couch. He was at a good friends house, Susie, and Nick's. Emmett was out side working on a friends truck. Nick was inside in the kitchen. Maybe 100 feet away from Payton. Nick was checking on Payton every 15-20 minutes. Payton was a light sleeper until he actually feel asleep so we check on him. The third time Nick checked on Payton, he had wiggled out of the swaddle and he was pale and his arm was limp. Nick ran and got Emmett out of the garage. Emmett ran into the living room and Payton wasn't breathing. They jumped into the car. Emmett started CPR. The hospital was only across the street. So was Safeway where I work. Nick took Emmett and Payton to the ER. Dropped them off, called me at work, came got me. Nick dropped me off in front of the doors. Literally. Payton still was not breathing. After about 10 minutes they finally got him breathing. They then transferred us to Sutter Memorial Hospital. They had done many tests. The doctor came and talked to us. He was telling us what he thought. And what it looked like was SIDS. We where terrified. What happened? Why could this happen? Our baby. They did tests everyday for for three days. And nothing changed. He didn't have much brain activity at all. They told us the longer we kept him on the life support the better chance he had to breath on his own. But he was in a coma. He may of never woke up from his coma. And because there had been no change and three days they didn't think there would be. They said that even if he ever did. He wouldn't ever walk, crawl, eat on his own, Nothing. Emmett and I talked about it for a day and we decided, that it wouldn't be fair to him or us to have him live a life at 5 months old to live like a vegetable. So we decided to take him off the life support on Feb. 12, 2008. He was breathing on his own. They had a professional come and take pictures of him and the family all together. They did molds of his hands and feet, and prints. They brought in a bed so he could sleep with me that night. He lived through the night. I woke up at 7:45 am and he was still breathing on his own. But he was struggling. At 8 am he stopped breathing. And i just knew his time was up. He breathed for 22 hours before he passes. He passed away in my arms. He waited till his mommy was up so he was able to say goodbye.

The case is still open. They are waiting for the test results and etc. To determine the death. They are saying right now probable cause SIDS.

Comment by Care 2 on May 10, 2008 at 4:04pm

I feel like you learn more about the experience you are going through when you share in a group. When you learn from others, you gain perspective and seem to get a bigger picture. When people share back after reading your comment, they reflect on what you say and their perspective has influence over your experience. It is so important to feel safe and in trust worthy company. I think Sam's space will help to provide that for many people. I hope it will help me in my loss now.

Comment by ATIQ MIRZA on May 9, 2008 at 9:06am

People said that if you share your grief and loss with other people like you and who are trust worthy you will feel out of lot of burden and be light.

Comment by Elizabeth N on May 9, 2008 at 3:26am

I need to write my story, but it's late and I'm not quite ready. However, this seems like a safe place, and I will do it.

Elizabeth N

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